FROM THE ONION: “Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver [of the political website 538.com] 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64.”

“Raving to coworkers as he scribbled furiously on a map of the United States, increasingly unhinged statistician Nate Silver reportedly declared Friday that 39 had an 83% chance of being 64. “You have to crunch the data, and everything we’re seeing shows that out of thousands of 90s there’s a more than 47% chance that 61 is 13,” said a sweaty, visibly shaking Silver, who according to colleagues at the website FiveThirtyEight had been awake for at least two straight days yelling numbers, including a disturbing episode in which he grabbed a colleague by his shirt collar and repeatedly screamed, “12! 12! 12! 12!” until other employees were able to wrest him away. “I mean, that’s 4,000 right there. So, if you look at the 72% of the 10,392, then there’s at least a two-thirds 40 of six, and that’s only from the years 800 to 2090 alone. Which is quite interesting, as we usually see the 50s break into the 20s, or even nines. I’ve run 10 trillion simulations on 30 alone, and there’s less than a 99% chance that there’s more than a 99% chance of 99, so you see? You see? Except under a Republican Congress, in which case it’s the opposite. There’s 15,000 total election combinations, plus 2.3333333333333, and with that kind of data set there’s a plus-minus 20,000 of error, which is at least half as much as the 8.2 quadrillion we saw in the 829th version of the 1996 election, which is going to have a huge effect on six and a half. And that, you see, is all why.” At press time, Silver had reportedly stripped off his clothing and was carving the number 4 into his arm with a penknife.”

From: https://www.theonion.com/increasingly-unhinged-nate-silver-declares-39-has-83-c-1849793281

Thomas Harriot College of Arts and Sciences Fall Graduate Dessert Reception

Thomas Harriot College of Arts and Sciences Fall Graduate Dessert Reception: All Harriot College graduates, and their families and guests, are invited to celebrate with their department or program of study at a dessert reception, at 7 PM, Friday, Dec. 16, in the first-floor dining area of the Main Campus Student Center.

The dessert reception follows the university’s main commencement ceremony and the two college recognition ceremonies.

No tickets are required for the Harriot College dessert reception.

See: https://calendar.ecu.edu/event/thomas_harriot_college_of_arts_and_sciences_fall_graduate_dessert_reception#.Y3eJQuzMK-8

FROM ‘THE ONION’: Kamala Harris Picks Up Seasonal Job At Macy’s

“In an effort to earn a little extra cash ahead of the holiday season, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she had picked up a seasonal job at a D.C.-area Macy’s. “Technically, I don’t think I’m supposed to have a second job outside of the vice presidency, but it’s not like they’re missing me anyway,” said Harris, who hummed along to a Michael Bublé rendition of “Holly Jolly Christmas” playing over the intercom as she folded a stack of cable knit sweaters. “I’d be bored out of my mind if it weren’t for these 15 hours a week at Macy’s. It’s a temporary gig for now, but who knows? I might try to stay on through January if things at the White House keep going the way they’re going.” At press time, Harris added that it was nice to finally work someplace where she felt needed.”

Read more: https://www.theonion.com/kamala-harris-picks-up-seasonal-job-at-macy-s-1849770418

SCOLARSHIPS!

ECU has a great tool for finding scholarships and applying for them. If you haven’t already done so, we strongly encourage you to go to the ECU website link below and fill out the “General Scholarship Application”. This allows you to fill out ONE scholarship application, and the software will alert you when there is an “auto-match” with an existing scholarship. You can also search for special scholarship by your discipline or through key words, like “study abroad”.

Please read all of the INSTRUCTIONS found on this website: http://www.ecu.edu/cs-acad/universityscholarships/scholarships.cfm

If you have further scholarship related questions, please e-mail: scholarships@cooka

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